Heartaches

I have heard things described as there being no pain like losing a child, but can there be a pain for losing a child you never had. I have been struggling for days on whether to post this or not and how to post this. It seems that things with the adoption are not going to happen as we had hoped, and this hurts my heart in ways that I cannot describe. 


We have only a couple months left to sign a contract with AWAA our agency and get our homestudy rolling. However, we are probably further from the funds to do so than we were 3 months ago when we applied for the adoption. Why? Well, we moved, and despite my efforts, I have yet to receive a job offer. I have had about 10 interviews including some second interviews. Sure Drew's job handles our bills, but that leaves nothing left to pay extra to decrease our debt let alone pay the $5,000 to just start the adoption process. 


Also as some know, the Ethiopian government has decided to reduce the number of international adoptions by 90%. Hence why we looked into domestic adoption options. Even if somehow we came up with the funds (doubtful), we may not be able to continue down the path of Ethiopian adoption. We are looking into alternatives, but the funds just don't seem to be there.


It seems that being a mom by adoption is nothing but a pipe dream right now with regards to the cost. We even looked into a domestic agency that handled newborn adoptions, they were even MORE expensive! Sure, we could start trying for our own children again, but I have also been told by doctors that I won't be able to get pregnant with out fertility treatments which takes more money and may not succeed leaving nothing but heartache. 


Please don't tell me that I still have time or that it will all happen in the Lord's timing. I know all that in my head, my heart is just grieving. I see all these young, single mothers and wonder, "Why them, Lord and not me?" I know that may seem selfish. Please just pray for me and Drew as the realization sets in that becoming parents may still be years and years away instead of months.